breeze_on_bye

whenever you look at me i wish i was her.

there are really only a few people in the desert that i really still care about. and you my dear are not one of them.

i miss shelberton. we seriously have texted each other every day since we left san fran. i guess thats what we get for spending every second of every day together. im pretty sure we were destined to be best friends.. anyways, our families think we are retarded, but we are going to orange county together this weekend when we should be at home hanging out with people we never get to see. but oh well. im so excited for her to meet harry and connor and for all of us to hang out and what not. maybe my trip home can actually be a little bit exciting. so far ive got nothing to tell when i go back to sf. well, i could talk about my grandpas funeral i went to today but i doubt anyone would wanna hear about that. can i please just have at least one night of fun here? so i can not dread coming back here for five weeks as much? please. eh who am i kidding.

i cant wait to see mama! aka sofa loaf aka so fia had a million dollas! aka my loverrr aka my sofers

yayayayayay

im happy that ill be spending the next two weekends with people that i know and trust. i wont have to worry about my drink being spiked again. i still cant believe it.

i have absolutely no idea what im doing anymore. i have no idea what i want. im so fucking confused. no, actually im not confused at all. im letting other people tell me who i should and should not like and im over it.

tonight and last night were absolutely amazing. went to a crazy club last night and met some super cool kids. thought about giving steven tony a chance, but im happy i didnt. shelbert, eddie, michael and i walked down to the lake tonight and just talked for hours. we talked about absolutely everything and it was so nice to know that they are actually good guys. i found myself absolutely amazed at how real they were, none of us held anything back. eddie is a lot different than i thought he would be, he isn't the typical college slut just looking to have a good time. i think im really starting to like him a lot. a lot. we played video games with each other tonight too and i felt so comfortable just being around him. this could be good. but im probably going to keep my wall up just like always. never letting anyone get to close, always being afraid of what COULD happen. we are all the way we are for a reason. i can change though, i hope.

ive talked with this girl a few times..and i just realized i saw her online making out with horse face trace cryus. weird. more like gross actually.

he could actually be really good for me right now. balls yeah?

the both of you have used me to the point that you make me sick when i see you. get the fuck out of my life. please.

i cant wait to get in my car and drive around with music blaring and me singing at the top of my lungs. i really hope i can convince my dad to let me get the microdermal anchor piercings i want..ahhhh i want them so bad!!

Im so excited for this week. It's shelby's birthday tomorrow and we have about 15 people going to dinner tomorrow night! I'm nervous because she really wants me to drink with her on her birthday, but I have two midterms the next day. I know I should put school first but she's my best friend here and I can't let her down. Liam is coming to visit me on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm so excited to see him and yet very nervous. This week is going to be a week to remember. After Liam leaves, I am getting on a flight the next morning to come home and see my family!! My great grandpa is dying, but I told him he has to fight a little bit longer because I'm coming home to take care of him. His birthday is Wednesday and I get home on Thursday so I'm going to make sure I make him feel very special! After I make him dinner and spend Thursday night with him, I'm going to Knotts Scary Farm on Friday with Brandon. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like life is all one big party now and all I want to do is surround myself with people who make me laugh..and he does that so I just don't care anymore. I need to have a really long talk with my mom while I'm home too. We haven't really talked much since the whole Gus thing went down. Ah, I just can't wait to sleep in my own bed and have my daddy wake me up with breakfast in bed like he always used to do. I can't wait to see my dog, Goldie. He's the cutest thing ever and I miss him like crazyyy! Even though I miss home, I know being away from S.F. for the weekend is going to drive me insane. Dear San Francisco, you truly are the love of my life.

thursday nights are honestly better than any day of the weekend. they are just the greatest!

the past 18 years ive just been living, but this is the first time in my life i really feel alive! i fucking love it here and i fucking love that shelby is my roommate. i love my new friends and ahh i just love everything!

Gus just sent me a 3 page letter over facebook. as i read it i found myself shaking uncontrollably because of how angry i became. he told me secrets about my mom that no daughter should know. i fucking dislike both of you more than you can imagine. i called my dad the second i got the letter and we read it together. there was a point where i couldnt even read it out loud because i felt like tears would start pouring out. my moms mom walked into my dads house after i got off the phone and he looked her in the eye and told her that she had "a sick fucking daughter and a sick fucking family" and then told her to get the fuck out of his house. wow. im eight hours away trying to get away from it all and yet it still followed me here.

hanging out with you every day is driving me crazy because i like you so much and i dont think i can handle being this happy.

im not gonna lie, having my family come visit me made me homesick.. ugh

a month and four days since ive seen my family. i feel like i may just cry when i see them tomorrow.
aksldflksdjf ahhhh i am so excited! i dont think im going to be able to sleep tonight!

im happy i got away from my security blanket, im making so many more friends now.

if every night could be like tonight, i think my life would pretty much be the best fucking life ever. i cant even grasp how amazing tonight was. i needed this.